My Perfectly F'd Up Life

         Gaining a closer and more intimate relationship was number one on my to-do list when I decided to go on this self-healing journey. I had kinda put God on the back burner leading up to now and I could tell the difference. In making this decision I had to identify what had caused me to stray and lose sight of God and myself. For me it was plain as day.  My addiction to social media had cause a breakdown in my relationship with God and with myself. And yes, I said addicted. You’re addicted too sis you just don’t want to admit it lol.  I know it sounds crazy but social media had become a God to me. In bible terms ‘an idol’ I looked to it escape from the life I was trying so hard to avoid and not fix. I would wake up and grab my phone before I even knew if I could breathe, walk, or talk! I scrolled for hours. Looking at other people’s lives. The more I viewed what was right with theirs the more wrong mine seemed. Unconsciously I began to compare myself. Why was I so behind? Why are my kids not behaved like this? Why have they found the love of their life, and I haven’t. Hours upon hours of scrolling and each day my confidence dwindled, and I lost sight of myself and God. I had lost sight of my purpose and God’s promise. Lost sight of divine timing based on my thirst for material things and fairy-tail love flashed in front of me lol. Now I’m not saying others are wrong for sharing these things. That’s what you are supposed to do! That’s what social media is for. When you work hard you deserve to show them off and be proud of it. The problem lay within me. Instead of clinging to God, working on my life, spending time accomplishing my goals, spending precious time with my kids, and making myself proud I had become complacent living through others and admiring delusions. My life was passing by me.

               I have never been a jealous person. So, that emotion was new to me once I began to feel it! I began to question God with why this and why that! Ridiculous. My life was spiraling downward. Mental health diminishing. People love to say that social media doesn’t affect them but it’s common sense. If you do not have a strong mind and a rock-solid foundation, you will begin to change your perspectives based off something you have seen someone say etc. Don’t get me wrong, people having an opinion is never a bad thing. Free speech is great. But think about this, if you sit up scrolling for hours looking and listen to hundreds of peoples POV’S you don’t think that will change the way you think a little? EXACTLY. It’s important to know when enough is enough or TOO MUCH! You need to hear your own thoughts and voice and be able to identify Gods direction over ALL! The picture I attached is a screenshot of my screen time for a week! 11 hours per day on a phone is insaneeee!! lol

 I made the decision to go on A fast. That was the best decision I have ever made in my life. I fasted for a whole week! No social media! It was so hard the first couple of days man! I swear that finger was twitching like a crackhead for a hit of dope. In this moment I knew this was a major problem that I had to get control of. Nothing that did so little for my life should have that much control over me! I was not going out like that! I have always been the hustler, the go-getter! Wasn’t about to stop now and watch everybody win while I sat on the sidelines.

My fast is how I gained clarity to pivot and start blogging. It has been a huge success and been so healing to me at the same time. Each blog that I write it’s like I close out a chapter and leave something behind me. My baggage is lighter. I’m moving forward as I release things that should have been let out a long time ago. I’m free. My purpose has become clearer, and my faith is on ten! Restoring my relationship was God was what I needed the whole time. Instead of procrastinating I’m DOING! It feels good. Put the phone down sis. Stop comparing. Comparison is the thief of joy. Look around and examine all the things God has blessed you with that you should be grateful for. It may not be your time yet. Maybe you have a little more work to do, a few more hills to climb before you get to the promise. but one thing is for sure, you won’t reach your goals sitting around scrolling looking at someone else’s. GET UP! GET STARTED! DO THE WORK! What you want is waiting on you to get in position to receive! Get ready! Put down the phone, God is trying to get through.