My Perfectly F'd up life.

      It's Crazy that I'm getting a sick scared feeling while I'm typing about this topic. When I look at the picture attached here all the feelings come back from what was hiding behind this smile that day. These same feelings are attached to the reasons I go above and beyond for my kids to look and feel good on picture day. It's the reason I buy the pictures every year. I promised myself that when I had kids they would never feel embarrassed and sad because they didn't look as nice or didn't have what the other kids had. I promised myself I wouldn't yell and scream and make them have a bad day before they had to go out and interact with the world. I must admit that I have failed a few times. What's so crazy to me is sometimes you would never be able to tell I even yell at my kids. Their love is so pure and unconditional I don't even think I deserve it sometimes because I don't even know what it's supposed to feel like. Everyday I'm so thankful that God sent them to me to let me know that I deserved this type of love all along. I think I got it now.

     My confidence was so on the flo in this pic and for the better part of my life up until my mid 20's. I didn't start thinking I was pretty or cool until I started getting attention from boys when my boobs starting going crazy and became my identity and my long legs starting stretching far as the eye could see lol. I mean afterall I had been called Btches and Heauxs since I was a little girl. When I was going through puberty my bumpy face was always highlighted when I was fussed at. My big feet always made the cut too. How was I ever supposed to think I was beautiful and wonderfully made when I was always told different? I had to revisit this little girl before I could move on in my healing journey. I had to come and tell her that she was just a kid and she didn't deserve that. I had to so that I could believe now at 35 that when someone calls me out of my name or gaslights me or disrespects me that they don't deserve grace or a second chance. Just because a person who you loved and trusted got away with it when you were young and defenseless does not mean let it slide now. I think I got it now.

    If you do not address your childhood traumas they will touch and bleed into every part of your adult life and show up as ugly habits that stunts your growth and slows your progress. I had to address my trust issues with women and tell myself that just because you were betrayed my someone you loved the most does not mean you get to do it to others or you isolate yourself and don't form meaningful friendships/sisterhoods because you're scared. I had to go back to the days when I was so angry because the lights were off or we just didn't have so that I could fix my money issues.(still working on this btw) I never want my kids to feel that. I had to go back to the days that I cried sitting outside waiting for my dad to come and he never showed up so that I could fix my abandonment and attachment issues and not hold onto things and people that were no good for me because I thought they would leave and never come back. I think I got it now baby girl.

    I asked my therapists in my last session, "how do you know that you're healing/have healed? How can you tell?" She said "when you noticed that you're behaviors have changed and you're not accepting the things you used to accept or doing things that can be a detriment to your lively-hood, that's how you know you're healing." That made me smile so hard because for once in my life I feel like the work is paying off. I'm standing on business about me and making that little girl smile through her tears. I think I've got it now.